I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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