well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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