I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
They took my balls.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
