just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Sober January is a disaster.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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