Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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