dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
