The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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