Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
