I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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