I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
false alarm, still single
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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