my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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