Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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