Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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