Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
