I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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