I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
