My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
