Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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