so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
