As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
