I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize