I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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