did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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