Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
