He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You were trust falling into bushes
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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