I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
