i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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