You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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