I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
