just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
