my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
