You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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