I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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