I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just want nice things and good sex
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
