This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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