ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
