I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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