so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
