I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Congratulations! We have a period
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