We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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