i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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