if you like me you must not know who I am
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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