captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
