You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
