she woke up with a sticky ear
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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