Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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