He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
