I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
