I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
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