The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
