Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Everclear isn't food dammit
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
