i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
