you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
