Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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