Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
