somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
