I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
