Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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