So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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