shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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