Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
