Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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