I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize