On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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