remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
