if you like me you must not know who I am
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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