Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
