i dont even know how to be here
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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