So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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