Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize