I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
